alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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