The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
