1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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