Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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