Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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