Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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