I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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