Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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