I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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