i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
should my penis look like a turkey
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
