I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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