Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
