We're like a lot better than the average bears
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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