he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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