Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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