I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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