i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Watching her eat just hurts me
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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