Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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