I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
