Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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