Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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