I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
