I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
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I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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