i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
