Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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