I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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