Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
