my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
