Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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