He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
