well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
