I'm going to rape someone's good day.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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