My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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