barbara walters just said penis...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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