On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
