dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
