I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize