the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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