508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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