I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
