now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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