he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
