Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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