I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
