My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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