i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
