you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
