Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
