Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
