My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
