I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize