Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Do vagina's smell?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
