Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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