well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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