I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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