and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
