My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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