His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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