Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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