i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
